Funniest One Liners Ever HeardMoreover, they can always help you avoid silly moments of silence when you're with your friends. What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me. Here are some famous one liner jokes that can easily lift your spirits. Some of the best one-liner comedians include Milton Jones, Shappi Khorsandi, Jimmy Carr, Tim Vine and Steven. Funny one-liners 1. Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was assaulted. I’m a faux pa. Groucho Marx and his brothers had an unmatched flair for comedy. A man goes in to his doctor's for an exam and the doctor says, "Well, I have good news and bad news. “Some cause happiness wherever they go. The most one-liner jokes you'll ever hear in a full comedy special might just be from Geechy Guy. The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank I have no words to describe how angry I am. Always borrow money from a pessimist. I was involved in very organised crime. Music legends with some of the best old hound dogs they ever did know Puppy Love: The 25 Greatest Dogs in Pop Culture History Icons of classic films and TV, from Toto and Lassie to Uggie and a British beagle made entirely of clay. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one. Our funny one-liner jokes are short, sweet and make you laugh. Short jokes for kids What did the man say to his fingers? I’m counting on you. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. With jokes about everything from mummies to zombies to pumpkins (and even some cheesy dad jokes), finding the perfect spook-tacular one-liner will be the least of your worries. Now get ready to make some memories filled with laughter with these 70 hilariously funny jokes! What falls, but never needs a bandage? The rain. 11 Extremely Funny One Liner Jokes “Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” Russell Howard “I’m on a whiskey diet. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo. We recently asked our @CaddieNetwork Twitter followers to share with us the funniest lines or jokes they've ever heard on the golf course. That reminds me of another one I heard: I want to go skydiving before I die. Mitch Hedberg and Steven Wright, too. When somebody says that you are. Welcome to All Things Foolish™ Daily Comedy Broadcast series featuring Comedy Vignette #118 which is your number one source for funniest one liner, funniest. Please continue while I take notes. 105 of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds “My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. Next: 75+ Funny What Do You Call Jokes. And, to use as few words as possible and still. What is in a ghost’s nose? Boo-gers. Make sure to use extra sarcasm. There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. 01 of 24 Did Not See That Coming Via Getty Images/EvanKafka. " The man says, "Give me the bad news first, Doc. Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side. I failed math so many times at school, I can't even count. In the joke world hierarchy, one-liners are a gem: they're easy to remember, take no time to tell, and if crafted just right pack a mightier punch than a joke with a longer set up. I used to go fishing with Skrillex, but he kept dropping the bass. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank… I have no words to describe how angry I am. One liner tags: people, puns. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. But all mine ever says is goodbye. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says 'Plethora. What is the best Friday of the year for the faithful? The Good Friday. "Mater" is Latin for "mother", since their primary function is to protect the central nervous system. 40 Of Probably The Best One-Liner Jokes Ever. The best funny one-liners Shutterstock "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. My friends keep pressuring me to go spelunking, so I finally caved. You can pull these out of your back pocket when you’re in need of something funny on the fly along with the funniest one-liners, some “what do you call?” jokes, and even something to get. ]" [Jerry Seinfeld uses this technique. Kids These Days Have you played the updated kids' game? I Spy. Welcome to All Things Foolish™ Daily Comedy Broadcast series featuring Comedy Vignette #116 which is your number one source for funniest one liners ever hear. com%2f1040121%2fmarynliles%2fone-liners%2f/RK=2/RS=ULUGahZ5t51fcFDAaZBsM3. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo A magician was going down a road and turned into a driveway How long is a Chinese name Last week a hypnotist convinced me that. One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. Funny one-liners 1. Transfer Your Debt and Pay 0% Interest Until 2024. 1) “Have you ever noticed… [fill in with something you find interesting or funny. Rodney Dangerfield nailed it. ” This one comes from Dorothy Parker who was the queen of good comebacks. ” Groucho Marx “The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you're an expert on my life and how I should live it. Tumor: More than one, an extra pair. 'I knew it! I wanna see my real parents !' Dad replies, 'We are your real parents, son. The Hide and Seek Champion from 1995. I'm not a fan of spring cleaning. The 20 best one-liners ever. Funny Jokes About Friday. Relationships are a lot like algebra. Somebody stole all the toilets from the police station. However, it was Groucho Marx who became the reigning king of comedy in the 1940s. A one-liner joke is a joke delivered in a single line. Via Getty Images/Michael Heim / EyeEm. I had a dream about being a muffler. I'm afraid of speed bumps, but I am slowly getting over it. The creative prowess of a writer, or a jokester, in this case, shines through the most when concentrated in the least possible words. You can pull these out of your back pocket when you’re in need of something funny on the fly along with the funniest one-liners, some “what do you call?” jokes, and even something to get. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Groucho Marx and his brothers had an unmatched flair for comedy. ] 2) "I threw a boomerang a few years ago. You'll be sure to brighten someones day when you unleash a hilarious joke when they. "Dad comes to his son and tells him he's adopted. They make us groan, say “Are you serious?”, and, of course, make us chuckle. They asked me to follow my dreams. Funny comeback: This one cuts deep “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. Why do you like Fridays that much? Friday is my second best F-word ever. One liner tags: puns. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?” 3. I wanted to take a bath, but then decided to leave it where it is. “What is worse than ants in your pants? Uncles” – Unknown 3. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a. 145+ One-Liner Jokes As Punny As They Are Funny. ” This one comes from Dorothy Parker who was the queen of good comebacks. All rated by visitors and sorted from the best. The wife says that yes, he could. Welcome to All Things Foolish™ Daily Comedy Broadcast series featuring Comedy Vignette #120 which is your number one source for funniest one liners ever hear. You could read it as “seriously” or as “a joke didn’t. We found the funniest jokes around to tell all of your friends and family. Funny comeback: This one cuts deep “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. That reminds me of another one I heard: I want to go skydiving before I die. Let's be honest, I'm not into summer, fall, or winter cleaning either. Some of the best jokes and one-liners you'll ever hear come over the course of 18 holes with buddies, or even with strangers. Welcome to All Things Foolish™ Daily Comedy Broadcast series featuring Comedy Vignette #116 which is your number one source for funniest one liners ever hear. One liners are great. I’d tell you a pizza joke, but it’s probably too cheesy. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? "Do these genes make me look fat?" 3. 11 Extremely Funny One Liner Jokes “Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” Russell Howard “I’m on a whiskey diet. In this full special from Dry Bar Comedy, Geechy Guy lays d. You could read it as “seriously” or as “a joke didn’t walk into the. The 20 best lines from W1A “I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. And you don't have to worry about these being clean: All of our favorite jokes are fit for kids and adults. Some people think prison is one word, but to robbers, it's the whole sentence. ” (Long pause) Golfer B: “Yeahhow ‘bout YOU take it?” — @JerryLouLooper ————————- 41. Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains. Reply 9 69ingJamesFranco • 9 yr. The best funny one-liners Shutterstock "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Parties, school, workthey're guaranteed to make you the coolest cat in town. (… Only a fraction of people will get this clean joke. Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it. Most of these cute one liners are from the iconic comedians and others are from random people. See full list on parade. Funny comeback: This one cuts deep “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. Why do you like Fridays that much? Friday is my second best F-word ever. Report 227 points POST THIS IS HILARIOUS 22 View more comments #2 Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen. Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else. Our list of the best one line jokes of all time are curated by the bunch of comedians that make. "A man is at the funeral of an old friend.